December 5, 2022

Theo Epstein, Steve Cohen decide Mets marriage won’t work

It’s been a tumultuous week for the New York Mets. First, they fire manager Terry Collins and then they trade away All-Star pitcher Noah Syndergaard to the Toronto Blue Jays. Now, it seems that President of Baseball Operations for the Boston Red Sox Theo Epstein and CEO of hedge fund SAC Capital Steve Cohen have decided to call off their engagement with the Mets because marriage just isn’t in their future together.

According to an anonymous source close to the situation, Epstein and Cohen’s relationship is basically over. “How could it not be? They both have their own lives now, after all. Epstein has baseball and his family in Boston while Cohen has SAC Capital and his $14 billion fortune that he gained by cheating people out of their hard earned money.

This anonymous source added that it wasn’t even a grandiose breakup between Cohen and Epstein either. I don’t know if this is going to be a public thing or not, but I believe that they did break up in the most mundane way possible. They were at a Yankee game at the end of July and Epstein asked Cohen to meet him in his seats after the game.Then, during one of their conversations, something within them just clicked. It was really quite beautiful, if you ask me.

After they broke up, both men went back to their own lives and they’re doing great. Epstein is reportedly dating an attractive female who he met on the street and Cohen has been seen flirting with just about any young, blonde college co-ed that is within 10 feet of him. He is currently dating one but I am not sure what her name is or how serious their relationship is right now.

This anonymous source also added that both men are doing just fine after their break up and, if they were to somehow reunite again, it might be awkward for a little while but then things would get back to normal. The one thing that I am worried about is when the Red Sox play the Mets in 2019 or 2020. That might get a little difficult for both of them but, who knows? Maybe they’ll be on good terms for the sake of the game.

Asked if he thought that there was a chance that the two men would get back together again, this anonymous source replied by saying I really can’t answer that question. Honestly speaking though, I think their relationship was over before it could even begin in the first place. Epstein and Cohen are just too different from each other to be together. I think that, if they were to ever get back together again, their relationship would probably end within a week or two because of all the differences they have.

Both Epstein and Cohen have yet to release a statement nor have any of their representatives made a comment about the break up. This story is still developing so check back with us at your favorite tabloid for more updates on this breaking story.